How to Love YourSelf

Relationships have been my greatest teacher in this life. The Divine has used relationships to help me see myself more clearly. It could be argued that the reason for this is because I’ve always been in one!

As I felt this one winding down, I wondered what a relationship with mySelf would look like.

Immediately, Walt Disney took over and I started thinking about rings and ceremonies and honeymoons. Where would I take myself? Should I tattoo my ring on to signify the permanent commitment I was making to myself? And the vows! They were going to be awesome!

The thing that happens when I veer off track like this, is that God distracts me. Or maybe Mrs. Beigh was right in first grade and I just really do have a short attention span. In either case, I lost interest in my upcoming wedding to myself.

But the magic of offering it all to the Divine, is that She can very artfully and gracefully bring it around to the back of the house to introduce it in a whole new way. This time by whispering to me through dreams about an inner child I had totally abandoned.

This dream is recurring and has really freaked me out. I am always just realizing I left a child or a pet somewhere and forgot to take care of it.

I had a version of this dream twice in one week. And the thing is; once you offer something, it’s kind of important to pay attention to the answers you get.

So, I acknowledged the message. Even though I didn’t really understand what to do about it. My prayers are usually pretty off the cuff, so it was something like this…

“Okay, Divine. I can see you’re giving me this message about abandoning my inner kid. Thank you for being so persistent. And thank you for it being dreams. You know how I love dreams. But, if there is something specific I need to do, please make it clear to me. I’m so available for this growth. Use me for the Highest Good.”

Then the little signs started showing up. Little synchronicities that alone don’t mean anything, but if I’m paying attention, mean everything…

I found my second grade silhouette. And I thought “I really want to remake that and feel the Light I know is in that girl.”

My nieces were on my mind… I kept thinking I wanted to let them know I’m always here for them as they enter high school. Mostly to let them know that even though there will be many opportunities for them to feel like they’re not enough, that is an illusion that if they call on me, I can very quickly dispel.

One of my daughters felt “off” to me. I thought “In those instances, what would I have wanted my mom to say to me?”

I know what you’re thinking… these aren’t signs, they’re thoughts. Yes. And no. Our brains get a bad rap these days. We’re always encouraged to get out of our heads; and I agree. I spend a lot of time out of my head.

But if you’re living a life where you’re offering it all to the Divine, to the Universe, to God, to Whomever you embrace as your Higher Power, then a thought isn’t always a thought. Especially when the “thought” feels spacious and creative and full of Love.

 

These nudges from Spirit all fell within a week or so of each other. Another important aspect of it for me is that I acted on some of the nudges. I re-painted my seven-year-old silhouette; found the Light in her. I reached out to my daughter. I made a plan to reach out to my nieces. Following the Guidance keeps you and God talking. It keeps the conversation from being one sided. This is how I see it.

 

The next thought was ~  “I haven’t posted anything about this life of offering for a long time.” And as I looked at my last post and remembered what was happening when  I wrote it, I remembered the relationship I wanted to forge with myself.

But this time, all of the inner kid dreams had happened. And the reaching out to my own inner kid and some real kids in my life.

And it was clear.

This relationship with myself isn’t about what I need as a fifty-three year old woman… at least not exclusively. It is about that inner kid I’ve locked in a room for safe keeping and forgot to come back for.

When I asked God this morning “Which kid? Where do I begin coming back to myself?”

I just knew. “You come back to the first time you felt abandoned. The first time you felt less than Loved.”

When I closed my eyes and reached for her, this is who I found…

Day One Week Old

 

“Dear One,

I am so glad you’re here. I’ve been waiting for you for a hundred lifetimes.

You are my deepest Love. More than that.. You are Love itself.

You are the most Sacred of gifts, and I am so grateful you’re mine.

I love the weight of you, the way you feel against my heart. It is the feeling of coming Home.

As I look down at you nestled peacefully in my arms, I see the magic of God in your eyes, and I am filled with wonder.

You can rest in me. You will always have me. You are mine as I am Yours.”

WILDLY OPEN

“Write when you’re bleeding, publish when you’re not”.  (Author Unknown)

I saw this quote on social media but I can’t find it now, so I cannot give proper credit; which really weighs on my mind, because it is truly brilliant.

As someone who writes about my life experience, I am familiar with the clarity writing can bring to a particularly bloody inner battle. I also know that none of that stuff should see the light of day until the hemorrhaging has stopped.

This is why I’m not going to talk about this summer.  Not yet. It has been one of the most difficult personal journeys I’ve known. And I’m still finding my way. There is Light filtering through the dark canyon of the last few months. Not clarity exactly, but a sense of which way is forward.

Things began to lighten when the summer retrogrades started to shift. But, this Change Me Prayer created space when things were closing in around me.

WILDLY OPEN

Change me Divine Beloved into One who is wildly open to whatever needs to occur at this turning point.  Let me trust where You guide my own heart.  Let me know that perfect actions are shown at the right time.  Fill me with patience and clarity. And let me be genuinely kind to myself and others.

All is well.

Change me O Beloved into One who is WILDLY open and trusting of Your plan despite any current uncertainty. Let me trust that You know exactly where the heck You are guiding me, even if this is not currently apparent.  (From Change Me Prayers by Tosha Silver)

I read it. I wrote it out. I read it two or three times a day. And when it wasn’t in front of me, I recited the parts I could remember.

And things began to move. There was the feeling of spaciousness within this oppressive change energy. Then  ~   I was given a task.

“GRATITUDE”

When the Divine gives you a task, it is undeniable. It can seem to be one of your own thoughts at first. But, after it shows up as an Oracle card, and then a song, you have to admit that it’s being suggested ~ strongly.

And the truth is, I am grateful. For all of it. But, specifically…

* My dad,  ~ and the day he called me a quitter.

* The moment I decided my worth was all wrapped up with being

sexy.

* A mate who reinforced both of these things for most of my adult life.

* Being able to see this much bigger picture.

*  The oh, so sudden recognition that I put myself in the life

circumstance I’m experiencing right now. And that it has a

purpose. It is not random. It is the perfect unfolding. No matter

how painful at this moment.

* Teachers. The Ones who give me validation and hope. And the

Ones who give me something to struggle against.

* My body. It has done all that I asked of it. Always. Thank you.

*  Eckhart Tolle. Seriously. Being in the moment has saved my life

so many times this summer.

* This house.  And the knowledge that I do not care about

new houses or fast cars.

 

My GRATITUDE LIST goes on and on. It is laced with big things like I just mentioned and little things like Sharpie Markers, Hummingbirds, my bed, autumn days, ripe plums, good neighbors, SLEEPING DREAMS!  And so many more things that I will add to my brightly colored gratitude list over the next days and weeks, because “Thank You” is the most important prayer there is, I think.  It’s on the list of Outrageous Openness tools. And… it was suggested. Strongly.

Thank You, Divine Beloved, Angels and Guides for all of it. The whole messy, perfect, Beautiful Life you’re leading me through.

I am so very grateful.