What If This Is It?

What if this is all there is? If who I am right now is who I will always be? No grander purpose than living an ordinary life. Is that enough? For me, I mean. I already know it’s “enough”. At least I should know it. And cognitively, I do. But, I’ve always had this secret belief that I’d do something, well… more. 

Here’s the proof… I wrote this in a journal a million years ago when I was in my twenties;

I Believe…

… that my Higher Power is a part of me.

… that what is true about me is housed in my Soul.

… that the God I know may not be the God known by someone else.

… that if I live my life listening to the voice that is my Soul, my inner compass will   remain closer to “True North”. 

… that it is when I get into the ego part of myself that confusion is pervasive. 

*.. that there is something I am meant to do in this life. 

*… that what I survived as a child is a key to my purpose here. 

*… that in my Soul I have a gift from God. If I choose to follow my heart, that gift will become a way for me to touch the world. 

Part of me is embarrassed that I felt so important. Another part of me says for that critical voice to sit down and shut up. Because I am important. We all are. 

But what if I never realize any more lofty purpose here than just getting up every day and offering my whole self to Love? What if nothing grand ever shows up at my door and says “Go out and teach the world how to overcome childhood trauma. Open a center. Write a book. Fill a lecture hall with open hearts and minds, then speak to them.”

Is that okay? To me, I mean.

What would happen if I stopped waiting? What would my days feel like if I relaxed into them a bit more? If, after awakening and saying ~

“Let the Highest begin to occur in this life.

Let me remember why I was born on this Earth and what the Soul is here to accomplish

And use me to that end.” (Tosha Silver)

What if I just breathed in and out all day, did the work that I do, created things as I’m drawn to create, practiced deep gratitude for all that I am and all that I “have”, and served my community in whatever ways I’m drawn to serve?

What if I stopped expecting to be offered something grander than that? If I stopped waiting for my holy purpose to show up and treated my whole mundane life like it is my Holy Purpose? 

Just as it is ~ ordinary.

 

“Divine, change me into One who can offer my whole Self to you in every moment.

Even when my mind tells me I’m not enough; let me feel Your presence in the every day activities of this life.

Act through me. Speak through me. Write through me. Let me find you shining brightly in my own Being ~ and in the faces of All I meet.

Even if this is all I’ll ever be. If I never “touch the world”. If I’m already living “my purpose”…

I’m in.

I am utterly Your own. ”

 

(Don’t look now, but I think I may have just discovered true surrender)

 

 

 

 

 

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How to Love YourSelf

Relationships have been my greatest teacher in this life. The Divine has used relationships to help me see myself more clearly. It could be argued that the reason for this is because I’ve always been in one!

As I felt this one winding down, I wondered what a relationship with mySelf would look like.

Immediately, Walt Disney took over and I started thinking about rings and ceremonies and honeymoons. Where would I take myself? Should I tattoo my ring on to signify the permanent commitment I was making to myself? And the vows! They were going to be awesome!

The thing that happens when I veer off track like this, is that God distracts me. Or maybe Mrs. Beigh was right in first grade and I just really do have a short attention span. In either case, I lost interest in my upcoming wedding to myself.

But the magic of offering it all to the Divine, is that She can very artfully and gracefully bring it around to the back of the house to introduce it in a whole new way. This time by whispering to me through dreams about an inner child I had totally abandoned.

This dream is recurring and has really freaked me out. I am always just realizing I left a child or a pet somewhere and forgot to take care of it.

I had a version of this dream twice in one week. And the thing is; once you offer something, it’s kind of important to pay attention to the answers you get.

So, I acknowledged the message. Even though I didn’t really understand what to do about it. My prayers are usually pretty off the cuff, so it was something like this…

“Okay, Divine. I can see you’re giving me this message about abandoning my inner kid. Thank you for being so persistent. And thank you for it being dreams. You know how I love dreams. But, if there is something specific I need to do, please make it clear to me. I’m so available for this growth. Use me for the Highest Good.”

Then the little signs started showing up. Little synchronicities that alone don’t mean anything, but if I’m paying attention, mean everything…

I found my second grade silhouette. And I thought “I really want to remake that and feel the Light I know is in that girl.”

My nieces were on my mind… I kept thinking I wanted to let them know I’m always here for them as they enter high school. Mostly to let them know that even though there will be many opportunities for them to feel like they’re not enough, that is an illusion that if they call on me, I can very quickly dispel.

One of my daughters felt “off” to me. I thought “In those instances, what would I have wanted my mom to say to me?”

I know what you’re thinking… these aren’t signs, they’re thoughts. Yes. And no. Our brains get a bad rap these days. We’re always encouraged to get out of our heads; and I agree. I spend a lot of time out of my head.

But if you’re living a life where you’re offering it all to the Divine, to the Universe, to God, to Whomever you embrace as your Higher Power, then a thought isn’t always a thought. Especially when the “thought” feels spacious and creative and full of Love.

 

These nudges from Spirit all fell within a week or so of each other. Another important aspect of it for me is that I acted on some of the nudges. I re-painted my seven-year-old silhouette; found the Light in her. I reached out to my daughter. I made a plan to reach out to my nieces. Following the Guidance keeps you and God talking. It keeps the conversation from being one sided. This is how I see it.

 

The next thought was ~  “I haven’t posted anything about this life of offering for a long time.” And as I looked at my last post and remembered what was happening when  I wrote it, I remembered the relationship I wanted to forge with myself.

But this time, all of the inner kid dreams had happened. And the reaching out to my own inner kid and some real kids in my life.

And it was clear.

This relationship with myself isn’t about what I need as a fifty-three year old woman… at least not exclusively. It is about that inner kid I’ve locked in a room for safe keeping and forgot to come back for.

When I asked God this morning “Which kid? Where do I begin coming back to myself?”

I just knew. “You come back to the first time you felt abandoned. The first time you felt less than Loved.”

When I closed my eyes and reached for her, this is who I found…

Day One Week Old

 

“Dear One,

I am so glad you’re here. I’ve been waiting for you for a hundred lifetimes.

You are my deepest Love. More than that.. You are Love itself.

You are the most Sacred of gifts, and I am so grateful you’re mine.

I love the weight of you, the way you feel against my heart. It is the feeling of coming Home.

As I look down at you nestled peacefully in my arms, I see the magic of God in your eyes, and I am filled with wonder.

You can rest in me. You will always have me. You are mine as I am Yours.”

What is Divine Offering?

Offering Front Page

of·fer·ing
ˈôf(ə)riNG,ˈäf(ə)riNG/
noun: a thing offered, especially as a gift or contribution
As I pondered how to begin this journey of offering, I wondered what the word meant according to Merriam Webster. I smiled at the definition because I hadn’t thought of it as simply a gift. I had considered it to be more of a burden… offering all my issues, angst, unsolvable problems to a power greater than my human-ness.
But, I’m falling in love with the idea of it being a gift. In fact, I’m thinking I could have been wrong about it ever having been about burdens at all.
I learned about offering from Tosha Silver ~ and if you’re here, reading this and you’re intrigued in the slightest, you have to see what she’s all about.
After I read Outrageous Openness , I was hooked. After reading Change Me Prayers, The Hidden Power of Spiritual Surrender, I became one of her students.
As her student, I have learned how to be Outrageously Open to my own Inner Divine. To feel so incredibly Loved. To have faith that everything that’s meant for me will find me. I’ve learned that in offering all of myself to Divine Love, things unfold in miraculous ways. Ways I couldn’t have predicted or manifested if I’d tried. There is a peace that I can’t explain. There is child-like wonder for this crazy, beautiful world. A sense of wonder I haven’t had in far too long. There is also a deep sense of purpose to my life now that I was beginning to think I would never find.
This experiment in radical offering was inspired by Tosha’s teachings. It is meant to chronicle what happens in my life when I embrace my own Divine Beloved fully, behaving as if I knew every moment, every day, that I am taken care of, Loved beyond measure, and am absolutely enough.
Here. We. Go….