Relationships have been my greatest teacher in this life. The Divine has used relationships to help me see myself more clearly. It could be argued that the reason for this is because I’ve always been in one!
As I felt this one winding down, I wondered what a relationship with mySelf would look like.
Immediately, Walt Disney took over and I started thinking about rings and ceremonies and honeymoons. Where would I take myself? Should I tattoo my ring on to signify the permanent commitment I was making to myself? And the vows! They were going to be awesome!
The thing that happens when I veer off track like this, is that God distracts me. Or maybe Mrs. Beigh was right in first grade and I just really do have a short attention span. In either case, I lost interest in my upcoming wedding to myself.
But the magic of offering it all to the Divine, is that She can very artfully and gracefully bring it around to the back of the house to introduce it in a whole new way. This time by whispering to me through dreams about an inner child I had totally abandoned.
This dream is recurring and has really freaked me out. I am always just realizing I left a child or a pet somewhere and forgot to take care of it.
I had a version of this dream twice in one week. And the thing is; once you offer something, it’s kind of important to pay attention to the answers you get.
So, I acknowledged the message. Even though I didn’t really understand what to do about it. My prayers are usually pretty off the cuff, so it was something like this…
“Okay, Divine. I can see you’re giving me this message about abandoning my inner kid. Thank you for being so persistent. And thank you for it being dreams. You know how I love dreams. But, if there is something specific I need to do, please make it clear to me. I’m so available for this growth. Use me for the Highest Good.”
Then the little signs started showing up. Little synchronicities that alone don’t mean anything, but if I’m paying attention, mean everything…
I found my second grade silhouette. And I thought “I really want to remake that and feel the Light I know is in that girl.”
My nieces were on my mind… I kept thinking I wanted to let them know I’m always here for them as they enter high school. Mostly to let them know that even though there will be many opportunities for them to feel like they’re not enough, that is an illusion that if they call on me, I can very quickly dispel.
One of my daughters felt “off” to me. I thought “In those instances, what would I have wanted my mom to say to me?”
I know what you’re thinking… these aren’t signs, they’re thoughts. Yes. And no. Our brains get a bad rap these days. We’re always encouraged to get out of our heads; and I agree. I spend a lot of time out of my head.
But if you’re living a life where you’re offering it all to the Divine, to the Universe, to God, to Whomever you embrace as your Higher Power, then a thought isn’t always a thought. Especially when the “thought” feels spacious and creative and full of Love.
These nudges from Spirit all fell within a week or so of each other. Another important aspect of it for me is that I acted on some of the nudges. I re-painted my seven-year-old silhouette; found the Light in her. I reached out to my daughter. I made a plan to reach out to my nieces. Following the Guidance keeps you and God talking. It keeps the conversation from being one sided. This is how I see it.
The next thought was ~ “I haven’t posted anything about this life of offering for a long time.” And as I looked at my last post and remembered what was happening when I wrote it, I remembered the relationship I wanted to forge with myself.
But this time, all of the inner kid dreams had happened. And the reaching out to my own inner kid and some real kids in my life.
And it was clear.
This relationship with myself isn’t about what I need as a fifty-three year old woman… at least not exclusively. It is about that inner kid I’ve locked in a room for safe keeping and forgot to come back for.
When I asked God this morning “Which kid? Where do I begin coming back to myself?”
I just knew. “You come back to the first time you felt abandoned. The first time you felt less than Loved.”
When I closed my eyes and reached for her, this is who I found…
I am so glad you’re here. I’ve been waiting for you for a hundred lifetimes.
You are my deepest Love. More than that.. You are Love itself.
You are the most Sacred of gifts, and I am so grateful you’re mine.
I love the weight of you, the way you feel against my heart. It is the feeling of coming Home.
As I look down at you nestled peacefully in my arms, I see the magic of God in your eyes, and I am filled with wonder.
You can rest in me. You will always have me. You are mine as I am Yours.”