The Life of Offering…

She was thirteen when she realized she was pretty.

She was fifty-three the day she was overcome with a sadness she recognized but couldn’t name.

She wept. Right there in her living room while brilliant, warm sunlight poured through the giant picture window.

She was unafraid of drowning.

This is how a life of offering is unfolding for me.

It seems to come with a presence of soul. An ability to allow whatever comes up to just “Be” as fully as it is intended to be. So, when sadness bubbles up, I’m unafraid of drowning. And when Michael Franti sings “Hey, Now, Now” ~ I dance. With all the joy, no matter where I am. That, to me is the best of a life of offering. All the feels. Without fear of drowning in any of them.

As I’ve been making my way to and through the ending of a marriage, I’ve offered the situation to Divine Love every day. Sometimes in every moment of every day.  It might not be the ritual that one would expect of offering. I’m not so much begging for help, although that does happen, but I’m offering mySelf to the Divine. My Whole Self.

While I have been all stages of desperate for answers about how this will unfold, I’ve also yearned in a very real way for the Highest Good to come from this experience. I don’t just say “Divine Beloved, I offer this whole sticky mess to you to deal with. Free me from this situation. Thank you very much.”

My prayers have been more.

“Divine Beloved, please change me into One who can trust Your timing in this. Let me rest in this sea of not knowing what is to come. Let me be kind, truly kind to myself and to others. Change me into One who remembers to breathe and stay present so I can see the path when the time is right.”  And all kinds of shorter, prayers like “Let the Highest begin to occur in this life…”

I knew without question this relationship had something to show me. It has always been one of my greatest teachers, but I could feel change coming like a locomotive. I knew it would be big change, but I wasn’t so bold to believe I knew what it would be. You can never turn your back on change thinking you know how she’ll present herself.

When things in our house would get so tense that I would beg God for relief, beg for the next step to be shown, I was always given the “caution”, “wait”, “slow” sign. It was so frustrating at times. But the signs were always so clear. I couldn’t ignore them. Once when I said “Okay God, this is unbearable. I’m taking this to mean that I should go. I’m leaving this house. I’ve made a decision. If I’m about to do something stupid, please stop me.” Thirty minutes later, I’m shopping and every aisle I turn down is blocked. No joke. Blocked. By people who don’t even seem to notice me, let alone make room for me to pass. After a solid ten minutes of this, I just laughed. “Okay. Point taken.”

The way things finally unfolded between us was so much more than the beginning of the end of a marriage. It was like a bright light was being shone on my entire life. It was an instant “knowing” of all the ways I’d orchestrated this very moment long before we had ever met.

The things I decided about myself when I was thirteen were visiting me today. So were all the ways over the last twenty-three years of our relationship that I put space between us without meaning to. Or, maybe I did mean to.  There’s also an incident of immediate karma that I’ll share when it stings a little less. When I can more readily see the humor. Because it is actually funny ~ in the most humiliating way. This immediate karma is, I believe, one of the big reasons it was important to wait.

I am resting in the unknown right now. Waiting ~ mostly patiently for a clear path to appear. My cat and me in an upstairs room in a chateau in magical McDonald Forest. All I know for sure right now is that I feel a deep and abiding faith that even in this sad ending, scary unknown, all really is well.

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WILDLY OPEN

“Write when you’re bleeding, publish when you’re not”.  (Author Unknown)

I saw this quote on social media but I can’t find it now, so I cannot give proper credit; which really weighs on my mind, because it is truly brilliant.

As someone who writes about my life experience, I am familiar with the clarity writing can bring to a particularly bloody inner battle. I also know that none of that stuff should see the light of day until the hemorrhaging has stopped.

This is why I’m not going to talk about this summer.  Not yet. It has been one of the most difficult personal journeys I’ve known. And I’m still finding my way. There is Light filtering through the dark canyon of the last few months. Not clarity exactly, but a sense of which way is forward.

Things began to lighten when the summer retrogrades started to shift. But, this Change Me Prayer created space when things were closing in around me.

WILDLY OPEN

Change me Divine Beloved into One who is wildly open to whatever needs to occur at this turning point.  Let me trust where You guide my own heart.  Let me know that perfect actions are shown at the right time.  Fill me with patience and clarity. And let me be genuinely kind to myself and others.

All is well.

Change me O Beloved into One who is WILDLY open and trusting of Your plan despite any current uncertainty. Let me trust that You know exactly where the heck You are guiding me, even if this is not currently apparent.  (From Change Me Prayers by Tosha Silver)

I read it. I wrote it out. I read it two or three times a day. And when it wasn’t in front of me, I recited the parts I could remember.

And things began to move. There was the feeling of spaciousness within this oppressive change energy. Then  ~   I was given a task.

“GRATITUDE”

When the Divine gives you a task, it is undeniable. It can seem to be one of your own thoughts at first. But, after it shows up as an Oracle card, and then a song, you have to admit that it’s being suggested ~ strongly.

And the truth is, I am grateful. For all of it. But, specifically…

* My dad,  ~ and the day he called me a quitter.

* The moment I decided my worth was all wrapped up with being

sexy.

* A mate who reinforced both of these things for most of my adult life.

* Being able to see this much bigger picture.

*  The oh, so sudden recognition that I put myself in the life

circumstance I’m experiencing right now. And that it has a

purpose. It is not random. It is the perfect unfolding. No matter

how painful at this moment.

* Teachers. The Ones who give me validation and hope. And the

Ones who give me something to struggle against.

* My body. It has done all that I asked of it. Always. Thank you.

*  Eckhart Tolle. Seriously. Being in the moment has saved my life

so many times this summer.

* This house.  And the knowledge that I do not care about

new houses or fast cars.

 

My GRATITUDE LIST goes on and on. It is laced with big things like I just mentioned and little things like Sharpie Markers, Hummingbirds, my bed, autumn days, ripe plums, good neighbors, SLEEPING DREAMS!  And so many more things that I will add to my brightly colored gratitude list over the next days and weeks, because “Thank You” is the most important prayer there is, I think.  It’s on the list of Outrageous Openness tools. And… it was suggested. Strongly.

Thank You, Divine Beloved, Angels and Guides for all of it. The whole messy, perfect, Beautiful Life you’re leading me through.

I am so very grateful.

 

“How is the Blog Going?”

Thank you to my friend Jennifer for asking the question and for pointing out that I had just written the first blog post within our conversation. Everything unfolds when and how it’s supposed to. This is, in reality a great example of how offering works in my life. How, when I listen to Divine Guidance and remain available for answers, they come at the right time, in the most perfect way…

“When I was so strongly pulled to do this deep dive into offering and create the blog, it just felt so incredibly right… exciting and terrifying and as if I had just found a crucial piece to the best puzzle, ever. I chose a name, created a wordpress site, and started looking at the journal already in progress to see what wanted to be posted first…

And then I kept getting signs to breathe and wait and not to rush. With Mars going retrograde and all the other transitions, I felt compelled to do just that. Journal, offer, and wait. Over the last days, I’ve begun a familiar dance with my inner kid who is about 15. She has a fear of failure that is slightly different. Hers is “I won’t actually do this.” Or… “I never finish anything I start…” The thing that’s different this time when she showed up, is that I see her, now. Really, truly see her. And I know she isn’t in charge. And more importantly, she, more than anyone WANTS me to do this. To do just what I say I’m going to do. Hell, she needs me to do this. For months now, I’ve been telling her she can do anything she chooses to do. That her dad was so wrong. That what he said was all about him and nothing about her… I’ve been saying all of that. And now? Now, I need to do something. She needs to do it right along with me. And the coolest part is, I never doubted for one minute this blog would happen. Even when it hit me that I had once again started and stopped; I knew it was just a moment for me to acknowledge that kid and to intentionally bring her along. And the other really important piece in this is my dad. When this has happened before, I would blame him. I would look back at the moment where he tried to take my dreams away and I would blame him. Not really with anger anymore, but with a “Well, this is why I do this” kind of mantra. But, I think I have released the blame piece. I am not feeling it at all. I’m feeling grateful for his part in my journey. All of it. As if watching the credits after a movie that changed my life, he’s there, Mom’s there, all of the bullies who ever beat me up… You get my drift. Teachers come in all forms. I heard once that the souls who come here with us and play parts that seem to hurt us the most? Those are the souls who Love us the deepest; who we Love the deepest. Those are the hardest roles to play for someone. Who knows if that’s true. In any case, because of Tosha’s teachings and because I’m in a place of readiness for her teachings, this journey will happen in the way that’s already chosen for it to happen. However big or small. It’ll be what’s needed.” (From a conversation between friends)